Managing conflict

Ask yourself the following questions:

• Do I need to get angry about this? Trying to avoid being angry does not mean suppressing your feelings, as this can result in shame, depression and (possibly) more anger. Instead, try to change your outlook and ask yourself whether what has just happened is something you need to be angry about.

• How does anger affect you? Think back to previous situations when you have been angry at work and ask yourself how it affects aspects of your life, both good and bad. Identify the impact on you, your relationships with colleagues, your job performance, your wellbeing and energy, how you feel outside work, and your relationships with family and friends.

• Was anger an appropriate response? Did your anger arise from an accurate or logical reading of the situation, or your own interpretation of it? Talk the situation through with somebody you trust who is neutral to the situation (see your Personal Board of Directors).

• Is your anger out of proportion? Minor things can trigger significant anger. Acknowledging that anger is often a response to something else (e.g. being tired, hungry or angry with someone or about something else) can help you contain your feelings.

• Am I taking this personally? We often become stressed and angry in situations that tap into deep-seated feelings of not being good enough or having failed in some way. Be aware of your emotional triggers and challenge your initial reactions.

• How can I frame the problem more clearly? Jot down the relevant details, including the points you and the other person/people made during the encounter, and any misunderstandings you think might have occurred. Read it aloud to try to see the situation more objectively.

• How did I feel and what did I want? How were you feeling before and during the situation? Was your anger triggered by unmet needs? Did you project your anger onto other people because they misinterpreted what it was you wanted?

• Identify your objective: What do you want from this situation? Define your goal in a way that other people can understand. Do you wish to resolve it directly, or tackle an underlying problem?

• Be realistic: Having unrealistic expectations of others can set them up to fail, whereas unrealistic expectations of yourself can lead to self-blame and self-punishment.

• How can I move on? Shift your focus from what was done to you to what you can do to fix it. Sometimes the best response is just to chalk it up to experience and let it go. This does not mean you have ‘lost’ a battle.

• Acknowledge and respect differences: Trying to take another person’s perspective helps you see issues in a different light.

• Get moving: Physical activity can help deal with anger, so go for a brisk walk away from the working environment.